Tuesday, March 27, 2007

AML

I was lucky to have found AML. I could easily have never known of its existence. It has been such a blessing in my life that I get panicky sometimes about how easily I could have missed out on it. That’s why I work so hard to get the word out about it--I have no doubt that there are other people out there who would be equally blessed by it if they knew about it. That’s also why I volunteer my time and money to participate and serve as fully as I can.

I found out about AML when a dear friend who knew I was looking for places to publish my LDS-themed work forwarded me an e-mail from Chris Bigelow about Irreantum. I was so excited about what I saw going on with Irreantum that I subscribed immediately to it and to the AML-List.

The AML-List changed my life.

Let me back up a little. When I was a teenager (in Salt Lake City), I noticed that almost all of my teachers in school were active Mormons—except for my English teachers. I think I had one practicing LDS English teacher in six years. This was disconcerting to me, especially since I thought of myself as an English person first: writing and reading were my passions. Also disturbing to me was that I couldn’t find any really quality fiction written by Mormons. People like to give gifts from Deseret Book (where all the literature is “safe,”) but, in comparison to the classics I was reading in my English classes, these books were shallow, sentimental and preachy. What did all this mean? Does a person need to abandon the church in order to appreciate or produce really great literature?

When I got to BYU some of my concerns were alleviated. I met some amazing people who were passionate about great literature and about how it informs a life of faith. I loved my education there and just soaked everything in. While I was there I found out about Orson Scott Card and one or two other LDS authors who were producing what I thought was worthwhile literature (Eugene England, Douglas Thayer, a few others). But I was sad there were so few of them.

Fast forward five years or so and I discovered AML-List. The first thing that got me excited about it was that I recognized some of the people who were commenting: Marvin Payne, Steven Kapp Perry, some professors from BYU. The second thing I noticed was the amazing things people were discussing—things like how to include/depict evil in literature in a way that is ultimately moral. What a moral literature looks like. Why we have so few really great works by Mormons, and how we can get more. What role criticism plays in the development of quality work. How stay-home moms can find ways to fit writing into their lives without the Mormon-guilt of knowing your family is sacrificing for your “little hobby.” Wow, wow, wow!

I was so impressed by the intelligence of the people commenting that I was intimidated to comment myself. Once in a while I ventured a little comment. But inside, I made a goal to become worthy of mixing with these people. I went to an informal activity—dinner and conversation at a restaurant—and someone said to me, “And what do you write?” At the time, I realized that I really hadn’t written anything I was proud of, nothing to mention to these people. I answered, “Nothing. I’m just a fan.” Which, I decided later, was fine—only I didn’t like it. I realized that I wanted to write, and wanted to write something I could talk about proudly. More than that, I wanted to write to and for these very people. I wanted them to be my audience, as I was theirs.

I wrote my first short story, “Companions” in direct response to a discussion that was going on on the List about point of view. It still is the best story I’ve ever written. I’ve written quite a bit since then, and all of it, really, with my AML friends in mind as an audience. Personally, I think my work has benefited greatly from having them as my audience. I’m striving to write to their level, and will continue to grow because of that striving. (I have to include here, too, a little thanks to Harlow Clark, the poetry editor at Irreantum who published some of my very first poems, lousy as they were, as a way to encourage me. It worked. I’ll always be grateful, Harlow.)

As my confidence grew, my ability to converse with and make friends with people whose talent was intimidating to me grew also. I’m very proud to call these people friends now, people who I think are doing amazing things that I’ve been able to witness in early forms (Scott Bronson’s Stones, for example, which is groundbreaking). And when I dare to let some of them read early drafts of stories or poems and then learn from their criticism, I always get better. Every artist should have such a group to write for and learn from.

I can’t imagine my life without AML now. I definitely don’t think I would be thinking of myself as a writer and investing time into my practice without the influence of AML. It’s one of the biggest blessings of my life.

If you would like to find out what it’s all about and meet some really cool people, come check out our annual meeting on April 7. In order to increase membership, we are going to have it be FREE THIS YEAR!!!!! And if you’re coming from out of town, here’s the offer of the day: the first one who asks may stay in my spare room (with bathroom) if you are coming to attend the meeting! Now who could refuse such an offer?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The funniest thing I've read all week . . .

I know that copyright means I can't retype the poem in its entirety (drat), but here are some excerpts. It's called "The Introduction" by Billy Collins. If any of you have ever been to a poetry reading, you'll especially appreciate this.

I don’t think this next poem
needs any introduction—
it’s best to let the work speak for itself.

Maybe I should just mention
that whenver I use the word five,
I’m referring to that group of Russian composers
who came to be known as “the Five,”
Balakirev, Moussorgsky, Borodin—that crowd.

Oh—and Hypsicles was a Greek astronomer.
he did something with the circle.

. . . [skipping some]

And you’re all familiar with helminthology?
It’s the science of worms.

. . . [he goes on like this, mentioning other obscure/made-up things]

Wagga Wagga is in New South Wales.
Rhyolite is that soft volcanic rock.
What else?
Yes, meranti is a type of timber, in tropical Asia I think,
and Rahway is just Rahway, New Jersey.

The rest of the poem should be clear.
I’ll just read it and let it speak for itself.

. . . [and then a hilarious ending]

Anyway, you get the idea. It kills me to leave any of it out--it's so good! But maybe this much will tantalize you into finding the poem and reading it yourself. It's in his collection, The Trouble with Poetry, which my friend Kathy gave me for Christmas and which I highly recommend.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Thank You

Dear family and friends,

I've been so grateful for the concern so many of you have felt for me and expressed to me. So here is an update on my health, with possibly more details than you wanted—but I feel that you deserve to know what's been going on because you have been so caring.

I made a list the other day of all of the doctors or health-care practicioners I've seen in the last year. Just so you can get an idea of the journey I've been on, here's the list:

1. my family care physician (for fatigue and shortness of breath). He upped my synthroid.
2. internist #1. He decided within five minutes that my problem was anxiety.
3. internist #2. He took a long time with me and referred me for lots of things (allergist, pulmonologist, ENT). Thought it was sleep apnea or anxiety.
4. pulmonologist #1 for sleep study evaluation. We decided I didn't fit the category of sleep apnea.
5. OB/GYN. He diagnosed mono.
6. allergist. No known allergies.
7. CT scan reveals a deviated septum.
8. ENT recommends surgery.
9. surgery for deviated septum.
10. back to ENT for post-surgical infection.
11. gastroenterologist conducts an upper endoscopy and finds hiatal hernia.
12. pulmonologist #2 diagnoses asthma.
13. chiropractor gives me colloidal silver and various other things.
14. Chinese herbalist gives me various herbal remedies.
15. sacral-cranial manipulator "manipulates" me and prescribes chlorophyll.
16. nurse practitioner for hormone balancing.
17. FINALLY I GET INTO A DOCTOR WHO LISTENS: Dr. Roy Gandolfi, internist.
18. pelvic and abdominal ultrasounds find a congenital (benign) kidney condition (not the source of my problems) and a gall stone (probably not it either).

And the last one I haven't included in the list because I will explain it below.

So you see how crazy this year has been. I don't really want to get into the symptoms and why they stump doctors (and me). What I want to talk about is that last weekend I went to Las Vegas with my sister . . . and felt pretty good all weekend. In fact, I felt pretty darn good. And, except for one bad day this week, I have felt progressively better every day since then. Today I actually felt a big difference. I told Roger, "I no longer feel like a sick person! I feel like a well person with a few health concerns."

What in the world made the difference? Two things.

1. First of all, earlier that week I went and visited a counselor, Dr. Lynn Johnson, who had given me a few weeks of therapy way back when I was seventeen and depressed. I went to him because in conversation with a family friend in our ward (who also happens to be a therapist), I came to a huge realization about myself:

I have always believed I would die young.

It's like I had this duty to atone somehow for the fact that my life has been so easy and happy, and also because my mother and her mother both died young. Subconsciously, I really think I had accepted as a fact that I would die young; it was only a matter of time until it hit.

Once I realized that this subconscious belief has been affecting the way I react to my REAL symptoms and thus leading to anxiety-produced symptoms which could interfere with an accurate diagnosis, I immediately started feeling a little better (just getting it out there helped!). But I was determined to do whatever it took to reduce my anxiety and correct my illogical thinking. (If I don't straighten out my mind, I thought, I'm going to kill myself off with these thoughts!)

So, anyway, I went to Dr. Johnson and he taught me some little self-hypnosis tricks and basically let me talk it all out. It helped a lot.

2. I thought at first that it must have been the sunshine in Las Vegas that made the difference. Probably it had some effect, but I discovered something else when I looked back at what happened that weekend:

It was the weekend that many of you fasted for me.

I can't tell you how touching it is to me when you come to me and tell me you fasted for me. It has been an amazing experience. Several of you have bigger problems than mine, and still you fasted for me. It is extremely moving to me. Thank you, thank you so much. I really believe I have benefited from it.

And so now I want to just list some of the things I have gained as a result of my illness. These are ways in which my life is richer now (hopefully for good), BECAUSE of my illness, that would not have been in my life without it.

1. The ways that my love for my family, both immediate and extended, has grown through all of this.

2. The relationships with some people in my ward which have grown stronger because others who are chronically ill reached out to me, or others who are well served me.

3. A new and deeper sense of contentment with my life exactly how it is, without so much anxiety about finding out what I'm supposed to be doing (with my writing, for example). A deeper enjoyment of just being a wife, mother, sister, daughter, ward-member, friend, sacrament meeting chorister.

4. A greater mindfulness moment-to-moment, with greater patience and relaxation in general.

5. Mediation and yoga, which have changed my life.

6. A greater appreciation for the mystery of our bodies, what they do naturally without our thought (usually), and a deeper meaning to the blessings I say over the food ("please let our bodies be able to digest it and benefit from it"). A greater enjoyment of simple things like taking a walk or dancing around the room—even just leaving my bed or the house.

7. I much more intense feeling of compassion for others when I hear of their troubles. This blessing has been surprising to me. While I've been sick, several friends and family members have confided their troubles to me, things I had never known about, and I have felt for these people deeper than ever before. I think my heart has grown somehow.

Not a bad haul, is it?

I'm not fully healed. I am still struggling. I'm not quite to the point where I can look back on all this as "something I went through." But I just needed to take some time today to celebrate how sick I DON'T feel. I am better now (I think I'll live!) and I'm going to rejoice about it and about the gifts the Lord has given me.

Thank you again for your kindness and prayers. I have felt it. I am so blessed.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Resurrection

It’s spring! It’s spring! It’s spring! It’s spring!

I ate asparagus and strawberries for lunch! There are white lines in the blue of the sky outside and I actually hear birds. I am going to go out (in the sunshine!) and clear up the dead leaves from the flower bed. (Why do we make New Year’s resolutions in the dead of winter? My sap is rising now!)

Resolved: I will stand in the pool of sunlight in my livingroom and crank up—what? Indigo Girls? Maybe some vintage Howard Jones: “Don’t crack up! Bend your brain! See both sides! Throw off your mental chains! Woo Hoo Hoo!” I will include a very fuzzy hot pink scarf in my Rite of Spring. Want to join me?