Sunday, January 30, 2011

My poetry class

I mentioned that I started up a new class. Just to clarify, it is a class that I am TAKING, not teaching. But I should point out that one of the reasons I’m taking it is to learn how to teach a poetry workshop. I’m afraid to teach poetry writing to people, and I want to find out why and how I can fix that. Because I love teaching, and I love poetry, and why shouldn’t I be able to combine them?

Well, one reason is that I am at a complete loss when someone presents me with a poem they’ve written that is terrible. I don’t know where to begin with them. Also, I’m at a complete loss when I encounter a poem that is supposedly good but which doesn’t speak to me at all (the inaccessible poems that require an OED and a master’s in English history to decipher or, even worse, the ones that don’t care about voice and meaning at all but are just a smattering of sounds and images). So I’ve been watching my teacher work in order to get ideas about this kind of thing.

My teacher, Jill McDonough, has several strategies that really work well. (Keep in mind that I’ve only been in class three times now, so I’m sure she’ll have even more as time goes on.) First of all, she has really structured her class and her assignments so that we go the places she wants to go (as opposed to a free-for-all, write-whatever-and-we’ll-spend-the-whole-time-discussing-it approach). For example, we’ve concentrated on only one form for these first few classes (blank verse), and we’re hammering it. I’m getting kinda sick of it, but it’s getting hard not to think in iambic pentameter—in other words, it’s becoming second nature. And it’s a really smart beginning in a situation like hers in which the students have a huge variety of skill levels and background in poetry (some are still struggling to know what a metric foot is, for example).

A second smart thing she does is that when we are critiquing, she has us “ask the poem a question,” not criticize the poet. Either orally or in writing on the poem, we ask about the things that confuse us or which don’t seem to be working: “Why did you choose this word? Is there a more concrete word you can use here?” “Why is this line only four feet long when all the others are five?” “Which person is this pronoun referring to?” etc. That way we don’t get the long answers from the defensive authors.

But the thing of most value (to me, at least) that Jill does is that she teaches us right at the beginning how to set assignments for ourselves. She demands several timed free-writes during class, each building on the previous one, so that we never have no basic material to begin with. (I myself never run out of ideas for poems, but for some of the students a blank page with an assignment to write a poem is paralyzing.) But also, she has taught me how to set myself a very specific assignment based on something else I’ve read. For example, we read Ted Hughes’s “The Thought Fox,” then analyzed it for quite a while. Once I decided what was really happening in the poem, I set up similar parameters for myself, making changes as they interested me. “Write a 14-line, blank verse pastoral in which a person, without actually performing any action, makes a realization. This realization is shown only externally, through the natural world.” This very specific assignment resulted in something more interesting than what I would have produced had I just begun with my trigger (January in Salt Lake City). I may take the poem out of blank verse when I revisit it, but I got more and different language with the assignment than I would have without it. Jill’s example was very interesting—she had read a particular poem and then set up for herself an assignment that was even more specific, including, for example, the requirement that she “draw heavily on the vocabulary of a specific profession” and “describe a disaster.”

Regardless of whatever else I get from this class, that one thing has made it worthwhile. I’m doing an adequate job of producing pretty good poetry, but the thing I needed most was instruction in how to BE a poet, how to walk myself through process, and this is what she’s given me. (Also, I’d sure like to move from “pretty good” to “great,” but I’m still not sure that’s possible.)

Of course, another huge benefit of the class is that it includes deadlines and assignments that I wouldn’t normally give myself. These things always push me to a higher level. (Which is why I was hoping to enter school . . . but that’s a whole nother discussion.)

Finally, this class, as do all poetry classes I've taken, has exposed me to some new work that I'm enjoying. Last week I discovered Stephen Dunn (I know. Ridiculous that I hadn't before) and have a new one to add to my list of favorites.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Some Stuff

The good and the bad of my week . . .

1. Diet=bad. So far, anyway. I know, I know, they say it takes “at least two weeks and more like three” to tell a difference, and I haven’t given up yet. But I’ve made it through ten whole days without cheating once (except for 2 teaspoons of salad dressing) and I feel pretty much lousy. For one thing, I can’t get warm. I wonder if this kind of diet is for people who have extra weight. I was already in the normal weight range (although I didn’t mind the thought of losing a little around the tummy and thighs) so maybe this wasn’t a good idea for me. I’m afraid I may have slowed my metabolism way down (meaning I’ll start gaining like crazy if and when I go back). Also, I’ve so far noticed no decrease in my original symptoms. I guess I’ll know more in the next week. Sum up: discouragement.

2. Dental visit=bad. I went to the dentist for the first time in a year and had a cavity. The dentist, a new one, put in the shot to numb me and I had a horrible reaction. After he got done injecting, I felt this horrible blood rush and nausea, with my heart pounding hard. He says there is epinephrin in the shot and maybe I was just sensitive to that. I’ve had dental injections (too many times) before and never had anything like that. I wanted to die. I’m wondering if it was because of this diet--? Maybe I was just in a weaker state than usual? I asked if that epinephrine was new, since it has been a few years since my last injection, but he says it’s the same stuff as always. Anyway, it was awful.

4. New Year’s Resolution=bad. I am frustrated with myself for not remembering, moment to moment, to be more positive with my kids. I am way too critical and stressed all the time. I am trying to use the atonement here—it’s a hard thing to break such an ingrained habit, and it’s extra hard when I feel so dang hungry and sickish all the time. But my years with them are numbered and I DON’T WANT THEM TO REMEMBER ME LIKE THIS. Pray for me, will you? This is hard.

5. Light=good! The days are getting longer! It has been so dramatic and heartening for me to notice the light that comes earlier in the day. I never, never take that for granted. Spring really will come . . .

6. Poetry=good. I’ve had two weeks of my poetry class so far and am really enjoying it. My teacher said my first poem was “really good!” and noticed lots of what I was doing in it. She’s pushing me (the sign of a good teacher, since she has so many different abilities in the class), and that’s what I need. Part of the reason I do these classes (besides the deadlines and assignments that get me going) is to learn how to TEACH a poetry workshop. One student brought in an entirely inaccessible poem of the ultra-modern variety (where sense is sacrificed to sound) and I watched to see how the teacher would critique it (how DO you critique something like that, which makes no sense?)—and here’s what she did: turned it over to the class. “Do you have any questions for her? Write them down. Anything you particularly like?” Hmmm. Cop out, but it worked . . .

7. Lunch with Kristi=good. It's so hard for me to go out to lunch with friends when I can't eat. Imagine eating at Olive Garden and not being able to have carbs! Not even the soup! But it was still worth it. I love Kristi and her view on life. She is an amazingly gifted writer—but she is so much more than that, and she’s making some hard choices that are good for her about how to live life as a mother, artist, and teacher. I always feel better about life in general after I spend time with her. I’m lucky to know her.

8. 18 years=fantastic. Yesterday was my 18th anniversary. I am such a satisfied customer. It’s hard (and you who are happily married know) to put into words how I feel about someone who is basically just a part of me now, but let me just say that I think he is a better catch than ever these days, and I feel sort of embarrassed about my good fortune, as if I’d won the lottery.

9. Noteworthy=very, very good! As you’ve noticed, if you’ve read this blog before, my family and I are passionate fans of BYU’s Noteworthy (female a cappella). On a whim, and thinking, “What have I got to lose?” I wrote to them and asked if there was any chance in the world they would like to sing at our trek kick-off fireside next week.

AND. THEY. SAID. YES.

I could hardly keep from peeing my pants. (Did I really just use the word pee on my blog? Did that move the rating to PG-13?) I am so utterly thrilled. What was just a trek fireside is now a WOW. It feels like a little hug from God, is what it feels like. I am so dang thrilled. The fireside is next week, and I’ll be glad to get it behind us so that we can settle down to the real work of planning. This trek thing just might come to pass. Maybe.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Food

Well, I’m dieting again. This time—for the first time, really—I’m not doing it to lose weight. I am doing it for health.

In the last few months many ideas have come my way about what could be the cause of my illness and possible ways to live with it (or even fix it). From two different, unassociated people in my life came suggestions for supplements that have had obvious and undeniably miraculous benefits for acquaintances. From others, from doctors, and from my own research have come suggestions for radically altering my diet.

The problem has been that most of them contradict each other. For example, one doctor insists I have gastroparesis (although another thinks I don’t). For that, I actually DECREASE the amount of fiber I eat. Someone else thinks it might be a yeast/ph problem. For that, I change my diet to be mostly fruits and vegetables and low or no dairy and meat. A blood test says I have blood sugar issues, and the handbook I got tells me I can go on an extremely restrictive diet for two weeks that is designed to tell me whether I am hypoglycemic. It, however, is heavy on dairy and protein (at least compared to the ph/yeast book).

Yikes! What to do?

Well, I decided to start with one of the supplements, because I had seen the, again, obvious and undeniable results someone near to me got from it. (So incredible, in fact, that Roger has become a dealer for the stuff.) All these people were having miracles because of this stuff—and I really, truly believe them. So why not me?

But . . . not me.

So, then I thought, “Well the only thing we know for sure, because labs have shown it, is that there is a blood sugar issue of some kind.” So I’ve decided to do the incredibly restrictive hypoglycemia diet. It goes for two weeks, and then I can begin adding things back in. To give you an idea of what restrictive means, here is what I can eat:

fowl, fish, meats: all types except lunch meats, hot dogs or anything with fillers--but no breading OR sauces of any kind
eggs
cheese
veggies: ONLY asparagus, green and wax beans, green peppers, raw mung bean sprouts, beet greens, broccoli, cauliflower, mushroom, tomatoes, celery, cucumbers, lettuce, onions, radishes, spinach, watercress. (No carrots, for example.)
fruits: NONE
desserts: NONE
fats and oils: butter, vegetable oil
bread, bread products, crackers, CEREAL: NONE
beverages: water, broth
plain yogurt.

THAT’S IT. No flour or grain products of any kind.

I had a hard time deciding to do this, because it so obviously contradicts the Word of Wisdom. It sounds too much like the Atkins diet (which I think is evil). But I prayed about it, and felt OK about it since it’s temporary. The point is to sort of re-set the system, see how you feel with basically no sugar, eliminate any sugar addiction, then gradually add back in quality grains, paying attention to how your body (particularly blood sugar) reacts. I can do hard—if it’s temporary.

So. I’ve made it through three days so far. And last night was really, really hard because we went to the Elder’s Quorum social, where these amazing-looking subs were set out, with chips and GUACAMOLE and gooey brownies and all sorts of goodies were set out. Roger said, “The sandwiches weren’t that good,” which amazed me because I realized how often we fill ourselves with carbs that aren’t all that tasty just because they’re there. There was literally NOTHING there that I could eat—except maybe the lettuce and tomato on the sandwiches, but I was worried it would be wet with mayo.

Already I’ve noticed how psychologically addicted I am to carbs. When I feel empty inside, I find myself fantasizing about a big bowl of cheerios, for example. But I eat my cheese and cucumbers and feel fine again. It’s a mind game—I think I NEED oatmeal in the morning, but am surprised to find I do fine with the eggs.

The book says it takes a while to feel the benefits. I really hope that’s true, because I’ve had no improvement yet.

If nothing else, it is a demonstration of faith, I suppose. I can truly say I’ve tried everything.

Oh, and yes, as a side benefit, I have lost weight. 5 pounds already. (Of course, it’ll all come back when I add back in the grains, right?)

Monday, January 10, 2011

Small Joys

Just a few things I’ve been enjoying lately:

1. Noteworthy Ladies’ latest cd. Check it out here. Viva La Vida is fantastic! I love buying whole cds instead of singles, because the songs I feel nothing for at first sometimes turn out to be favorites later.

2. Dove’s peanut-butter chocolate squares. The. Best. Candy. Ever.
3. Garrison Keillor’s collection of great poetry, which my discerning friend Angela gave me. (Not poems that he wrote, but poems that he collected and, most likely, read on the air.)
4. Having a spare room so that my father is comfortable when he comes to town.
5. The fantastic, amazing, loving person my father married.
6. DGL.
7. Bedtime. And the hot tub before bedtime.
8. Veronica Mars with my sweetheart.
9. Plain yogurt. Really!
10. That the days are actually getting longer.

What are your small delights?

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Happy New Year!

Sorry for leaving that whiney post up here for so long. I actually had a nice holiday season. I hope you did, too.

My one New Year’s resolution: to be more positive. About myself, about others, about the future. I want to quit being so critical and start being more observant about what’s right with myself and others. I want to be done with fear and stress about the future, both long term (will I ever feel well?) and short term (we’re going to be late). I want to live more freely, without the weight of judgment and fear.

As part of this, I will continue my yoga, at least three times a week. I will continue blogging (goal: once a week). I will come back to writing poetry more regularly (I’m starting another class this month). I will concentrate on enjoying time with my family more instead of just trying to make it to bedtime. I will try to cut myself slack when I don’t feel well. I will reach out to deepen some of my acquaintances into real friendship.

What about you? Do you have a resolution?